Motherhood

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Motherhood,

Boys waking up too early, needing extra snuggles before I’m out of bed, crying because someone did something (already? It’s not even 7 o’clock), trying to guide three boys through fighting and arguing, not to mention doing their morning tasks. 

Feeling overwhelmed, I lock the bathroom door for a moment alone; this isn’t what I saw when I imagined my life as a mother. The constant overwhelmed feeling, just trying to catch my breath. And no, it’s not always like this. Some mornings I lay in bed listening to the quiet laughter of childhood play and it fills my heart, blessed. Those are the moments I dreamed of all my life, the ones you see in happy family movies, not this Lifetime drama where kids need constant discipline and care, the house is always a mess and put away clean laundry is the climax of the whole show.

All this runs through my mind in a matter of seconds, spinning my head with scenes of the life I had imagined. Suddenly I’m brought back to reality, locked in my bathroom when I hear banging on the door. It’s my littlest boy just wanting to be held. I hear my husband telling him to leave mommy alone, which only brings him to tears.

On one side of that door is me, an overwhelmed, exhausted mom who just needs to put in her contacts and brush teeth, take a shower if I have enough time. And on the other side is a three year old boy who for whatever reason just needs his mommy to hold him, maybe he’s coming down with something, maybe he didn’t sleep well.

I listen for another minute, Zachary crying, big boys still arguing. Feeling close to tears myself, I quietly unlock the door, pulling Zachary in by his arm and locking it again behind him. As soon as I hold him to me he starts to calm, all but a few hard breaths still shaking his little body. I close my eyes breathing in his scent, his heart pounding against my own.

No, this wasn’t what I imagined motherhood to be, full of crying, arguing children, exhausted parents, toys everywhere and the laundry, always the laundry.

I take another deep breath opening my eyes, I see myself holding Zachary in the mirror. I smile at him and I can see a glimpse of a smile from behind his ever present passie. I can feel my mind calming, peace filling my heart. Love pouring into that small room. I grab my phone to capture this moment, this mundane yet somehow special day.

These are the times, the days I am told I will look back on. With a decade of motherhood under my arm, I know how fast it’s going, even the long hard days somehow go too quickly.

I give my baby another tight squeeze, sending him of to play (to join in the fight with his brothers no doubt!). Alone again, I think of all the beautiful gifts and small blessings that daily motherhood brings, those little hugs each morning, my middle guy making us late at school drop off because he just needs one (10?) more kiss from me, the special one on one time with my youngest during the weekdays (that will come to an end all too soon), my oldest who is full of I love you’s and just wants to talk to me (non stop).

Blessings each one of them, making the hard, overwhelming moments of motherhood all worth it. Yes, I could have never imagined how sweet and precious these moments would be.

The good, the bad, the laundry and all.

Motherhood.

(Thoughts from Mother’s Day morning 2017)

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6 Responses to “Motherhood”

  1. Kristin Says:

    It is so hard to see those amazing moments when your in the thick of it, and to not scream when all your irrational child wants is more time and touch from you. I feel this exact way so often and feel so nad for my husband when I don’t have anything left to give at the end of the day. But God knew what he was doing when he gave us our blessings and I try and remember that I am the way mother for my kids even on the worst days. ❤️

  2. Dori Troutman Says:

    Oh dear Faith. I’m crying. That was so incredibly beautiful. I remember those days so well. I also remember when my children were in middle school and they became my best friends and we did everything together. Then I remember them leaving home to go to college and I cried beyond belief I missed them so much. And now… they are adults and I still cry over things. And I still find myself thinking, “this isn’t quite what I thought being the mother of adult children would be like”. And then I realize that it is all okay. It is all so fleeting and so fast and so wonderful all at the same time. But yes… motherhood. It is HARD beyond belief.

    I had to laugh where you said your oldest talks to you (nonstop)! Because my son was exactly the same. One day in the car coming home from town an hour away he said, “Mom, you know what? I could buy some parachute fabric and you could make me a parachute. I checked out this book from the library and look, it’s easy. All you have to do is….” and the talking went on like this non-stop for about 45 minutes and all of a sudden I yelled, “Would you PLEASE just be quiet”? And the car got deathly quiet. And we drove for a mile or so and I couldn’t stand it and I said, “Okay, go ahead. what were you saying about the parachute?” That kid is 32 now and we STILL laugh about that day! 🙂 And he still talks to me and I’m so thankful.

    But seriously, I guess I cried because I see these exact things in my daughter with her little ones and I KNOW how hard it is.

    Such a huge hug to you, Faith. You’re an amazing Mommy.

    – Dori @redfeedsack –

    • saranaave Says:

      Awe Dori! We have had so many of those exact same car rides☺️ glad I’m not the only one. So thankful for friends like you who will help lead the way for me. Thank you

  3. lisacrafty Says:

    I literally cried reading this! I can relate 100%! Love your motherly heart! We are truly blessed, in our messes! Love you!

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