Archive for the ‘family’ Category

Motherhood

May 23, 2017

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Motherhood,

Boys waking up too early, needing extra snuggles before I’m out of bed, crying because someone did something (already? It’s not even 7 o’clock), trying to guide three boys through fighting and arguing, not to mention doing their morning tasks. 

Feeling overwhelmed, I lock the bathroom door for a moment alone; this isn’t what I saw when I imagined my life as a mother. The constant overwhelmed feeling, just trying to catch my breath. And no, it’s not always like this. Some mornings I lay in bed listening to the quiet laughter of childhood play and it fills my heart, blessed. Those are the moments I dreamed of all my life, the ones you see in happy family movies, not this Lifetime drama where kids need constant discipline and care, the house is always a mess and put away clean laundry is the climax of the whole show.

All this runs through my mind in a matter of seconds, spinning my head with scenes of the life I had imagined. Suddenly I’m brought back to reality, locked in my bathroom when I hear banging on the door. It’s my littlest boy just wanting to be held. I hear my husband telling him to leave mommy alone, which only brings him to tears.

On one side of that door is me, an overwhelmed, exhausted mom who just needs to put in her contacts and brush teeth, take a shower if I have enough time. And on the other side is a three year old boy who for whatever reason just needs his mommy to hold him, maybe he’s coming down with something, maybe he didn’t sleep well.

I listen for another minute, Zachary crying, big boys still arguing. Feeling close to tears myself, I quietly unlock the door, pulling Zachary in by his arm and locking it again behind him. As soon as I hold him to me he starts to calm, all but a few hard breaths still shaking his little body. I close my eyes breathing in his scent, his heart pounding against my own.

No, this wasn’t what I imagined motherhood to be, full of crying, arguing children, exhausted parents, toys everywhere and the laundry, always the laundry.

I take another deep breath opening my eyes, I see myself holding Zachary in the mirror. I smile at him and I can see a glimpse of a smile from behind his ever present passie. I can feel my mind calming, peace filling my heart. Love pouring into that small room. I grab my phone to capture this moment, this mundane yet somehow special day.

These are the times, the days I am told I will look back on. With a decade of motherhood under my arm, I know how fast it’s going, even the long hard days somehow go too quickly.

I give my baby another tight squeeze, sending him of to play (to join in the fight with his brothers no doubt!). Alone again, I think of all the beautiful gifts and small blessings that daily motherhood brings, those little hugs each morning, my middle guy making us late at school drop off because he just needs one (10?) more kiss from me, the special one on one time with my youngest during the weekdays (that will come to an end all too soon), my oldest who is full of I love you’s and just wants to talk to me (non stop).

Blessings each one of them, making the hard, overwhelming moments of motherhood all worth it. Yes, I could have never imagined how sweet and precious these moments would be.

The good, the bad, the laundry and all.

Motherhood.

(Thoughts from Mother’s Day morning 2017)

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